Fun and Funky Festivals

We Americans love us a party. That’s how hundreds of communities across the country started fun and funky festivals celebrating animals, vegetables, and anything else a town can possibly lay claim to. Here are a few of my favorites:

Food Related Festivals

Garlic Festival, Gilroy, California

You can usually find the town of Gilroy, California by smell, such is the odor produced by the millions of garlic bulbs growing in the surrounding fields. Town officials decided to take those “Ewwws” and turn them in to “Yums” with the annual Garlic Festival. Huge vats of garlicky shrimp scampi feed the masses while the more adventurous sample garlic chocolate and garlic ice cream. Come prepared with breath mints, please.

Spamarama, Austin, Texas
For devotees of canned pork products, all things Spam are celebrated in Austin, Texas. There are Spam cooking contests, Spam music and Spamalympics which includes a Spam eating contest, of course. No word if there are any contests for email SPAM.

Testicle Festival Clinton, Montana
Some people like to “purty up” the food and call them “Rocky Mountain Oysters”, but this festival calls ‘em as they are. The “oysters” are usually served deep fried. Yum.

National Lentil Festival, Pullman, WA

Much more boring than bull genitalia, the residents of Pullman, WA cook up the world’s largest bowl of lentil chili every year. Of course it could be the worlds only bowl of lentil chill made each year too.

Pickle Fest, Atkins, Arkansas
With the biggest employer in the small town being the pickle factory, this festival is a no-brainer. Home of the original deep-fried pickle and the pickle juice drinking contest (my mouth puckers at the thought) this is a festival where sour pusses are welcome.

Critter Related Festivals

Calaveras County Jumping Frog Jubilee, California
This small town took the short story by Mark Twain “Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County” and turned it into an actual event. Frogs and their handlers compete around the country throughout the year to earn spot in this “invitation only” event. The long distance competition comes with a $5,000 purse for the winner. Losers are open to be kissed to see if they are really royalty.

Slug Festival, Eatonville, Washington
Frogs not slimy enough for you? There are 23 species of slugs on the wet Olympic coast, so they decided to bring them together and put them on display. While slugs have 27,000 teeth and eat their weight every day, there aren’t a lot of other things they can do since they move so slow. Hopefully this festival is not held anywhere near the salt festival.

Great Texas Mosquito Festival, Clute, Texas
Texans like to brag that everything is bigger in Texas, so this moist and muggy town celebrates the bloodsuckers, big and small. There is a “mosquito calling” contest and a “mosquito legs” contest for skinny legged men and women. See, everyone can be a star!

Wooly Worm Festival, Banner Elk, North Carolina
Caterpillars multitask at this festival. First they race and then the winner will predict the weather for the coming winter. A prognosticator will “read” the bands of color on the winning worm and make the declaration. Hey, why should a groundhog have all the fun?

Just because they can, festivals

UFO Festival, Roswell, New Mexico
On July 7, 1947 a UFO was said to crash outside of the town of Roswell, and the “believers” have been trekking to this town ever since. Every July the town hosts conferences about the “incident” for the faithful, and an alien costume contest, parade and hot air balloon ride for those who many not be so sure.

Bonnie and Clyde Festival, Gibsland, Louisiana
The famous criminal duo met their demise in this Louisiana parish in 1934. Now every year local folks reenact the shooting complete with lots of fake blood. You can even see the actual bullet riddled car…that was used in the movie.

Quiet Festival, Ocean City, New Jersey
All these festivals tired you out? The people of Ocean City were likewise overwhelmed with all the events the town hosted during the year so they hold this festival which includes mimes, silent movies, and a community “Yawn Along” to “Beautiful Dreamer”. Bet you just yawned now.

The Sunday Drive

Back when I was a child, somewhere between the time that dinosaurs ruled the earth and Bill Gates took over, one of my favorite adventures was the Sunday drive. The cost of gas at this time was measured in cents and not dollars and no one knew the “MPG” of their vehicles. We just knew this was cheap entertainment for a family of three.

With my mother riding shotgun and me in the back seat, sans car seat or seat belts since Ralph Nader had yet to condemn the car as unsafe at any speed, my father would pilot the family car through the back roads of north eastern Pennsylvania. I didn’t take any books or toys with me, there was no such thing as a television that didn’t weigh as much as a small moose and require an electrical outlet so there was no television in the car, and the only choice we had on what we could listen to other than our own conversation was four radio formats, one station each: contemporary, news/talk, country and oldies, which was music from the World War II era. Quite frankly, we rarely had the radio on unless listening for news.

Our only navigational aids were the hot yellow globe in the sky, provided it was not too cloudy, and my fathers memory. He had lived in that part of the state his entire life, but many of the roads we drove down, he had no memory of, or so he said. We didn’t use a map, and although I’m sure one was neatly folded in the glove compartment, the roads we were driving along didn’t even have street signs, so they certainly were not going to show up on any Pennsylvania state map.

Sometimes we had a specific destination in mind, like going to visit a relative and taking the “scenic route” but more often than not it was just “let’s go for a ride”. It was the mystery of where we would end the day that had me as riveted to the path we were taking as I would be later in the week to the new episode of Batman on television.

As we drove along the familiar “main” roads that led to the “back” roads, I would hope for various things as we passed certain landmarks. Could we stop for a drink at the Lion fountain along the side of the road that poured out sweet spring water? There was a collapsible plastic cup in the glove compartment in case we did. Could we stop for ice cream at the dairy? This particular dairy milked the cows in the window and you could watch them while you ate then-exotic flavors like strawberry cheesecake and black walnut. Because of the association of cows and ice cream, the smell of cow manure would set off the Pavlovian response of making me crave ice cream. Could we end up at the home of one of my cousins, so I would have a play mate for a few hours? Would we go to the Game Preserve and see prairie dogs and buffalo or Hawk Mountain to see, well hawks? The possibilities seemed endless.

Usually, at some point, my father would declare that he did not know where he was. For a brief moment I would be worried and either my mother or I would suggest that we stop and ask for directions, which of course we never did. Within ten, fifteen minutes tops, he would then announce that he now knew where he was, and would usually name a town or a road that gave me no clue as to where we “were”.

When I went out on my own, I was worried that I had no “sense of direction”. I couldn’t tell north from south west, and I wanted explicit written directions any time I drove anywhere new. Gradually, as I became more comfortable with my driving skills, I began to wander off the well worn paths to see what was “out there”. I drove down forest service roads in Colorado and ocean front roads in California, all without a map or a GPS or anything other than my head and my gut. And you know what? Not once did search and rescue have to come out and look for me, nor did I run out of gas or do an accidental “Thelma and Louise” and drive off a cliff. It was just as if I had “learned” innately from being an observant passenger on those drives of yesteryear. Just keep going long enough and you will find out where you are.

As for the generation that is currently being raised, we all need to be very afraid. They have never gone for long drives and looked at the leaves turning color or tried to spot deer or just enjoyed the scenery. They go nowhere without a video game or other toy, a DVD playing and an iPod of music they have carefully chosen in their ears. When they do get behind the wheel they are going to need a little voice from the dashboard to bark directions to them so they can find their school or the mall. If you asked them for directions they would look at you blankly and pull out their phones with the internet connection. So much information out there and so little of it in their heads.

I feel sorry for these kids who are missing so much. It’s not their faults; it’s the parents that wanted complaint free drives where the words “are we there yet?” are never heard. These kids will miss the wild turkeys that scuttle across the road, the hawks sitting on the wires, the subtle color palates that accompany each season.

Let’s hope that no ill ever befalls the GPS satellites in the sky. Oh wait, if that happens, since I don’t need things like that, and since Bill Gates has stepped down as chairman of Microsoft, maybe it will be my turn to rule the earth.

California is burning!

Summers in California are normally hot and uncomfortable, however right now there are 840 fires burning in the state! It's June...not what is normally thought of as "fire season"...that is usually October and November when there has not been any rain for six months. There is a orange-grey tint to the atmosphere. The sun is an orange ball. Step outside and the air has a thickness to it that you can literally feel as you breath in. But they warn you not to do too much of that...breathing. They rate the air quality. It is "unhealthy" today. I worry about my pugs and their breathing. Their little lungs and short noses already make it difficult for them to breathe when it is hot. And it is hot. Not as hot as it can get, but it is in the 90's. I take them out to go to the bathroom and then quickly usher them back in to the house.
OK, I guess I listen to too much Coast to Coast AM, but I can't help but wonder if these are then end times. God said he wouldn't destroy the earth with water again (although those along the Mississippi River probably have some doubt right now) but that means that fire is fair game. Everyone always accuses left leaning California of being the "new" Sodom and Gomorrah", maybe the Big Guy is trying to make a point here. Or maybe we have all just screwed up the environment so much that we have made this state a tinder box.
No matter what the reason, I worry what the rest of the fire season is going to be like...I pray we are spared.

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